1. What’s an iPhone? Is that some new Apple product? Why would you need a phone that can play music if you already have an iPod?
2. Wealthy kids in high school start touting their phones like fashion accessories. Teachers are reluctant to confiscate those sleek touchscreens, preferring to be mesmerized along with the other students.
3. Wander into an Apple store. (False: Force yourself to enter the Apple store while avoiding eye contact with all of the perky employees). Boldly walk over to table and begin examining iPhone in detail. (Another lie: Attempt to casually meander in a glass-plated room where everyoneismovingattopspeed and try not to panic as you hold an insanely expensive display phone in your trembling hands).
4. Graduate from high school. Enter college with an enormously heavy Dell laptop and your trusty “basic” phone.
5. Free 2-year upgrade comes around. Tell yourself you don’t need a “fancy phone.” Resist data plans. Buy a
useless Blackberry tablet in protest.
6. Read the New York Times expose of the Apple factory in China. Pat yourself on the back for being a great person by resisting technological temptations.
7. Snapchat? What’s that? Oh. Oh, you need an iPhone for that? Instagram??? I can view photos but I can’t send any? Postscript: Beg everyone you know to please PLEASE send you photos to your email, not to your phone, as once they are on the basic phone they are stuck there for eternity.
8. Father acquires smartphone. Mother acquires smartphone. Sister acquires smartphone.
9. Are up late one night at home over Christmas break. See horrifying commercial on television where old people in sweaters walk around in fields proclaiming their love for their “simple phones.” Start having Jitterbug nightmares.
10. Get lost while downtown. (x200).
11. Drop tanker-inspired phone on sidewalk. Watch as screen unexpectedly goes black and phone refuses to turn on. Consider that this may be divine intervention.
12. Spend 30 minutes in the Verizon store waffling over whether to buy insurance for a $500 (!!!) phone. Decide that recent history (i.e., dropping phone on sidewalk) is not auspicious and fork over money. Exclaim that the white iPhone is “Perfect!!” and listen as Verizon co-worker subtly mocks you. Place iPhone carefully in box. Do not remove from box unless sending a text message, taking photos of equal quality as your now-obsolete digital camera, or checking mail/Facebook/twitter/Wordpress incessantly.
13. Brag about your $1 “free” upgrade on Facebook. Congratulate yourself for finally catching up to your digitally-savvy, youthful peers. Sleep easy at night knowing you will never, ever be disconnected from the Internet again.